Riff: Stop Blaming ‘Jaws’!

Illustration by Tom Gauld

Imagine "Jaws," if it were released in 2014.

We open on a rock star (played by Shia LaBeouf) and his supermodel wife (played by a supermodel) snorkeling in the crystal blue waters off Bora Bora, when a fin the size of a house emerges from the water. They swim away frantically as the rock star yells: "I just wanted to go to Italy, but noooo! Bora Bora, you said. It had to be Bora freakin' Bora!" We zoom in for a super-close-up of the shark's enormous computer-generated teeth, in 3-D, chomping them both in half. As the rock star screams, the camera races into his mouth, down his throat, to his pumping red heart, which stops as his screams die out.

Cut to: Coast of South Africa. A world-renowned shark expert, Chloe Fabrice, 23, brisk and no-nonsense in her clinician's white bikini, observes terrifying great whites from a shark-proof cage. "Gettin' choppy!" a man's voice says to her through her wristwatch walkie-talkie. As the cage lifts out of the water, we see an enormous shadow in the ocean behind it. We pull up for an aerial C.G.I. shot of a monstrous shark, bigger than a battleship, creating a giant wake that tosses Chloe's tiny boat aside.

Cut to: Top-secret Syntrex lab in the Channel Islands, where a handsome executive, Travis James, 35, is watching a high-tech presentation on genetically modified microalgae that produce a superefficient, incredibly rare biofuel called Superfuelanium. Waving goodbye to some venture capitalists, Travis dials his cellphone but is interrupted by screams from behind a door, where a scientist pulls his hand out of a small fish tank. One of his fingers has been bitten off at the knuckle! "They're only getting bigger and more aggressive," another scientist says. "It's the microalgae."

Travis snaps, "We don't know that!"

Chloe's helicopter, meanwhile, lands on a Santa Monica beach next to half of an enormous blue whale that has washed ashore. "What in God's name?" Chloe asks, then we zoom in on a shark tooth the size of a surf board. "You're going to want to see this," her colleague says, and pulls up a YouTube video titled "Witnesses Describe Japanese Touring Boat Disaster."

"Kyodai na same!" a Japanese woman screams, weeping.

A Laird Hamilton look-alike leans into the frame. "That translates as shark, dude. Mammoth shark."

Chloe gazes pensively out to sea. A big wave approaches, and a crowded line of surfers prepare to ride it. Just as the wave crests, we watch a huge shark emerge from the water and swallow 15 surfers at a time. The water turns red. "It's headed for the pier!" Chloe yells. "Evacuate!"

Cut to: The Pentagon, where Chloe urges officials to contact (her ex-boyfriend) Xander Grieves, 43, the ousted founder of Syntrex, who is now a recluse living in Fiji. Minutes later, Xander is in the Oval Office, telling the president: "I told the board we would alter the food chain irreparably. They didn't listen. Or didn't care."

Chloe dials her cellphone. "Is it true?" she asks Travis.

"Babe, we're going to eliminate global warming within five years," Travis yells from the deck of a nuclear carrier. "And today is harvest day!"

"Sir, take a look at this!" the captain interrupts, pointing at the radar. A giant shark-shaped blob is approaching. Just then, a huge shark rises from the water, snapping the ship in half, causing it to explode in a fireball.

Cut to: Army helicopters swarming overhead as soldiers load semiautomatic weapons on the Marina Green in San Francisco and Chloe and Xander are briefed on what is happening across the country. A Navy admiral shows them footage of a shark jumping out of New York Harbor and biting the head off the Statue of Liberty. "At least they can't invade dry land," Chloe says.

"Think again," the admiral says, then points to the video: the shark has legs.

"They're mutating!" Xander gasps.

"Or evolving," the admiral says.

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