The Cow Jumped Over a Water Bed

By Dave Itzkoff

In the 21st century, what exactly is the role of the pop-music producer in creating a smash hit? "You're dealing sometimes with situations where it can go one way or the other, extremely quickly," says Benny Blanco, a producer of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" and Kesha's "Die Young." "Everyone can be laughing and then all of a sudden, the person could be taking their pen and trying to stab you with it." His job, he says, "is to make sure the artist doesn't cry or jump out the window."

THE MEH LIST

By Samantha Henig

Boca Raton

Standing ovations

Decorative gourds

Nonbeef "jerkies"

Your dream last night

Salad forks*

Additional reporting and user experience by Libby Gery

*Submitted by @jessicabiele via #meh

BOMBAY TONIC

By Maud Newton

Jeet Thayil's "Narcopolis," a hallucinatory story of addiction, sex and poverty in Bombay, made this year's Man Booker Prize shortlist but has incited controversy in India, where one reviewer called it "one of the worst novels written in the English language." Thayil attributes the criticism to "a new prosperity and a new jingoism here that doesn't account for dissenting views." The book, he says, was born of empathy and "embedded research."

THE PRESIDENT SCHLEPPED HERE

By Matt Bai

If Mitt Romney were to become president, where would his home away from Washington be? The campaign is based in Boston, but Romney shows about as much affinity for liberal Massachusetts as it shows for him. He also has a lake house in New Hampshire, site of the annual Romney family Olympics. But the best guess is that Romney would set up base at the beach house in La Jolla, Calif., where the neighbors are mostly tax-cut-loving 1 percenters. And the Secret Service could use the car lift, too.

ONE MAN'S TRASH . . .

By Jessica Gross

In 1864, the Herald of Health wrote of pickles: "This fondness for such indigestible green trash only argues there is something wrong somewhere." Fifty years later, progress was nil. "With the schoolchildren of the tenements, pickles have almost become a morbid habit, like morphine," McClure's wrote. Now, artisanal pickles are ubiquitous and expensive. A serving at Jacob's Pickles on the Upper West Side runs $4. But the proprietor, Jacob Hadjigeorgis, argues that his pickles "offer more class."

WHAT I'M DRINKING NOW

The Italians have a dividing line in the late morning — usually between 10:30 a.m. and lunch — when it is no longer acceptable to drink cappuccino. When on vacation just about anywhere in the boot, I have my late morning bump in the form of a caffè corretto: a shot of espresso, "corrected" with half a shot of hooch, often grappa, sambuca or anisette. I call this unguentary harmony of licorice and dark coffee a "Roman speedball," with no irony intended.

THAT SHOULD BE A WORD: Duncertain

By Lizzie Skurnick

(DONE-SIR-TEN), ADJ.

1. To be unsure if one has completed a simple task. "Philippe stopped on the sidewalk, duncertain if he had turned off the burner before heading to work." See also: Checkmate (person sent in to see if task is completed).

IS THERE MOOD LIGHTING, TOO?

By Hope Reeves

It's not just 1970s throwbacks who enjoy the wonders of water beds. Farmers have discovered that placing their herd on king-size "Dual Chamber Cow Waterbeds" makes the animals healthier and better lactaters. The owners of Conrad Dairy farm in Pittsfield, Ohio, who paid $55,000 for 240 cows to sleep, are seeing results. They are charging more for their higher-quality milk and saving about $6,000 a year in sawdust piles — the cows previous sleeping platform. Imagine what might happen if all-night Eagles songs were added to the mix.

JUDGE JOHN HODGMAN RULES

By John Hodgman

JONATHAN WRITES: Outside of ramen tarted up with sriracha and peanut butter, my wife doesn't cook or respect the sanctity of the chef (me). If I make pasta with cauliflower, she'll dump a jar of store-bought sauce on her serving. If I serve a dish warm, she microwaves it into oblivion. I seek an injunction.

This court is torn. While I agree that your wife's behavior is inappropriate, I would rather eat ramen with sriracha than any of the snobsville lukewarm cauliflower you're serving up. Though your home is not the French Laundry, it is not a 7-Eleven, either. Basic doctoring to taste should be constrained to what is available at a sit-down restaurant. But start serving your food hot.

Listen to the podcast and submit questions for adjudication at www.maximumfun.org/jjho

BRAIN TWISTER

By Will Shortz

What familiar two-word phrase contains the consecutive letters I-O-A-U?

Hint: Don't worry, it's not a Trumpism. For answer, see bottom.

HOW TO FIND JOY IN LIFE

By Chuck Close

When I was in the hospital — I spent eight months in rehab, and I almost died — I decided that I was going to make sure I had some fun every single day. It might be a play or a movie, or it might be going by a gallery and seeing a show. Often, it's eating. As told to Spencer Bailey

Brain twister: Studio audience

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